From arkansas.
This is all a strange dream. And by this is all. I mean california. Nothing is as it seems. It is through the looking glass or down the rabbit hole or whatever fairy tale you want to believe- Nothing has felt real since I've stepped off of that plane. I curse the light off of this city that hide the stars from my eyes. But at the same time I am secretly always wishing on them. For days when I was carefree, not careless. I feel as though the light is slipping off of my shades like through the bars of a prison. This bedroom is a cage. I can't breathe in it. I am of that of an animal only the animal has memories but no understanding. Memories can bring you peace in your dreams but not when you have the understanding that you will never touch those shafts of light outside of the cage- you can never have peace. You can make anything into a cage. A heart. A head. A city. A friendship. I collect things and people and ideas. I keep them from the cold. I am the sun, only sometimes even the sun winks behind clouds. And it hurts. It pinches your skin and sends pins of frostbite down your legs. I never meant to become this. We can spin and play this game and talk until the end of time. The band will never stop playing. They are the very opposite of time itself. I try to stay focused but I can't. Only single grains of white and brown hair on him come in and out of focus. He is of the perfect design. Down to the spot over his eye. He will be legendary. I'm scared to walk near graveyards or drive past hospitals. Every night I go to sleep I am afraid I won't awaken in the morning. The air is heavy, my shirt sticks to my back. My hair to the pillow on the bed, like sleep won't let me go. Couldn't get through a day without throwing up to save my life. I wish I was so different. That I didn't think the things I do. That I didn't feel the things that I do. I have made my everything into a cage and now I watch from inside, life go on with out me. Simply and lovely. With tears dropping onto the keyboard, I turn to thoughts of it shorting out. It won't though. The words won't let it. I'm in power meetings with phrases like "equity" and "assets". It is making my heart wander. I feel alone no matter who I surround myself with. My thoughts turn to pratt blvd. And other summer windows and winter driveways. The chaos that is me slows and quiets. I am asleep at the wheel of life as we hit the rumble strips on the side of the road. "Fuck" is the only word that can ever cross my mind. These are the thoughts that will not roll off of my tongue. I can't find my way home. Ever. If its true that its all about timing, than mine is the worst. I am in a cage and the keys are three thousand miles from me.
Signing off.
